Slice of Life

...just some humble observations about the world around us, and my place in it...

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Life, now.

Posted by suzanna on May 20, 2010 at 10:16 AM Comments comments (2)

This is a post.  I haven't planned this out as I usually do so that only means that it's going to be longer and more rambly then all of my other posts.  Awesome.  And of course no one's going to read it because it's not even going to be entertaining.  I just have to say a few things and then I'll stop with the word vomit. 


So first off, school.  This is the last week of classes before summer break, tomorrow is my last final and then I'm ALL DONE :D  I'm really worried I've failed one of my classes though.  Like, really worried.  I'm fairly sure I've failed my Anatomy class and I know when my mom finds out she is going to be so mad.  And I can't have her mad because she might punish me.  I'm worried that this particular punishment may just be the banning of a certain someone to go to a certain TOTALLY AWESOME concert D:  If I don't go I think I'll just die.


And then there's work.  I am really starting to dislike it.  It's become to tedious and more or less of the same thing everyday.  And walking around a classroom all day makes my feet say 'owwie'.  So I haven't been going to afterschool 'cause I just can't deal with it anymore.  I still go to class, I just leave a little bit early.  It's not a big deal really, just two hours of peace and tumblr.


Which brings me to the another thing.  The internet.  I really have to stop this madness.  I used to spend less than 30 minutes on the computer on average per day.  Now the average is more like 4 hours.  It kind of scares me, but I don't care which scares me even more!!  I'm sure spending time on the computer isn't the worst thing that I can be doing with my time but I don't want to get to the point where I'm on the computer so much that I'm no longer active.  I'm not very active anyways but I don't want to become a computer-potato.


That brings me to possibly the last thing.  The future.  I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.  I really thought I had it sorted all out, ok, become a nurse make some money, go to medical school, make some more money.  Sounded great to me.  Never mind that none of that is really what I want to do.  I really want to write, but I don't see this as a possibility so, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.  Gah. 


My life stinks as much as this post.




Wake Up Call

Posted by suzanna on April 6, 2010 at 1:28 AM Comments comments (8)

I'm tired.  I'm sitting here and it's nearly 2 in the morning and I'm eating jellybeans.  They are not even GOOD jellybeans.  I don't even understand why I'm awake and on the computer right now.  I should probably go to sleep.  You ever have one of those nights where it is impossible to go to sleep?  Like you are just either really hyper, or maybe it's too hot, and it's uncomfortable?  That happens to me every other day.  And then when I finally do fall asleep, I end up waking up every 30 mintues and then taking another 30 minutes to fall asleep again. 

 

I don't want to go to sleep because if I go to sleep, it's pretty much a given that 'll have to wake up.  And I hate waking up.  Oh boy you don'tunderstand how much I hate waking up.  Does anyone like waking up? By waking up I don't mean sleeping till 12 and then getting up to the sound of birds chirping and sunshine pouring through your window.  I'm thinking more like it's 6:05 and it's still dark outside, and cold as fiddly.  This is my life.  This is me everyday except Sunday, up and at 'em before dawn. It's awesome...except not really. 

 

Alarm clocks suck.  Let me tell you about my particular brand of suckage. It's a Disney alarm clock - I know, you don't have to say it, I'm a loser.  It's even shaped like a castle and it has all the Disney Princesses on there and stuff.  One of the towers of thecastle lights up and blinks starry lights.  It's sad, but it's the onlything that gets me up in the morning.  That and I'm too lazy to go out and find another one that works half as well.  How it looks isn't the worst part, though.  Instead of just an obnoxious beeping sound that most alarm clocks make, my alarm clock makes this really loud obnoxious Disney tune that you can't wait to shut off as soon as it comes on.  I guess that's why it's such a darn good alarm clock.  I could be sleeping but if it started ringing in the next room, I would be up and out of my bed in five seconds to stop that hideous sound. 

 

Why do I always eat the black jellybean when I know I'm not gonna like it?? I do it every time!!!

 

So waking up with alarm clocks sucks, and having someone human wake me up is out of the question.  When my mom used to wake me up (high school, goodtimes), since my room is upstairs, she would just stand at the foot of the stairs and call me repeatedly.  And since this method usually solicited a tired grunt from me, my mom, satisfied that I was awake, wouldgo back to her lair- I mean, room.  But after a while my mom realized that after I mumbled something to show that I was awake I quickly fell back to sleep, resulting in latenesess (?) of epic proportions.  From then on my mom would still call me, but instead of just leaving me after my okay, she waited until I got up and turned on the light.  This obviously was a fool-proof plan, as I had to be awakened by both the trek across the room and then the blinding lights.  This actually worked for a while, but my superior brain finally figured out a way to sleep some more.  What happened was my mom called me, I woke up, told her I was awake, shuffled to the light switch with my blanket around me, and closed my eyes, turned on the light and then stumbled back into my bed, off to sleepyland.  So as you can tell, some more lateness ensued.

 

I wasn't about to let my sister wake me up, she will actually stand over me, call me, pull my bed sheets off, roll me off the bed, she will do anything-and everything to wake me up. She knows when I have to be awake and cares more if I'm late than even I do.  My brother would be the one to dump a bottle of water over my head or threaten to cut my hair off if I don't get up, summat like that. 

 

Alarm clocks as sucky as they are, are my only option.  Phone  and IPod alarms never are loud enough, and alarm clock radios only make me sleepier with the white noise and stuff. 

 

And that's the history of my Disney Princess Alarm Clock.  Man I really have to get to sleep.  But I've been eating these jelly beans and drinking bottle after bottle of water so I am guaranteed some late night potty trips.  And leaving you with that pleasant thought-

 

goodnightall,

suzanna

 


Me, Myself, and...me again.

Posted by suzanna on March 26, 2010 at 11:05 AM Comments comments (14)

A conversation with myself that took place about 30 minutes ago.

 

 BLUE is Me.  PINK is... also me.

 

Me: So maybe we should post a blog entry today.

 

me: I don't wanna!

 

Me: What are you talking about you don't wanna?  I always come up with the good ideas anyway!

 

me: Nooo, it's always me!

 

Me: Really.  Then who came up with the idea of posting about sunglasses?

 

me: ummm...maybe it might have been... okay you!!  But I came up with the idea of a diary!

 

Me: No that was me too.

 

me: Wah!  Leaaaammeeee!

 

Me: Well, here's your chance to come up with something good, okay?

 

me: fine.  Hows abouts wes starts withs mes-

 

Me: Come on, stop that's annoying.

 

me: fine.  First we'll say 'Hey guys, Waaazzzzuuuppp!'

 

Me: Come on, you know you don't talk that way.

 

me: How would you know?

 

Me: Because I am you, you dunce!

 

me: Oh yeah.  I knew that actually.

 

Me: Sure you did.  The same way you know what the square root of 169 is. 

 

me: Prepare to eat your words, or better yet stick them words up your butthole!  It's

12!!

 

Me: Holy All In The World, you really don't know. 

 

me: Well whatever.  You know I'm not good at Maths.

 

Me: Are you kidding me?  You tutor kids in Math!!

 

me:  That doesn't GUARANTEE that I know what I'm doing.

 

Me:  *sigh* you're probably right.  Making the world dumber and more immature, on

eight grader at a time.

 

me: heehee!

 

Me: Can we get back to talking about the blog entry now?

 

me: I forget.

 

Me: Just forget it.  I'll come up with something-like I always do.

 

me: Are you tryin' ta say that I'm not helpful or somethin'?

 

Me: No I'm not trying to say anything.  I'm SAYING that you are literally no use to me,

and you are a lazy sack of garbage.

 

me: Waaaaawaawaaaaaa!!! I hate you!

 

Me: That's interesting.  Seeing as I'm you, you also hate yourself, do you not?

 

me: Wha-wait-no- leeeaaameeeee!!!!

 

Me: If I apologize can we get back to work?

 

me: I don't know.  Maybe.

 

Me:  I'm sorry for calling you lazy. 

 

me: and?

 

Me: I'm sorry for calling you useless and suggesting that you hate yourself.

 

me: apology 'cepted.

 

Me: Woot woot.

 

me: yay! we're friendlies again!!

 

Me: Cool, now can we get back on topic?

 

me: What were we talkin'bout again?  I don't remember.

 

Me: You know me neither!

 

me: What you don't know can't hurt you.

 

Me: please explain to me how that phrase fits into our situation in any way.

 

me: ...Idunno.

 

Me: Of course not.

 

me: Let's talk about TACOS!!!

 

Me: I hate tacos.

 

me: Oh yeah, me too.

 

Me: Then why did you suggest that we have a lengthy discussion about them!!

 

me: Idunno.

 

Me: Do you know anything at this point?

 

me: ummm... I don't like tacos.

 

Me:  I'm glad that we've gotten that much established.  And since we aren't being

productive in any way shape or form, I'm just gonna go.

 

me: No! Don't lea- ....

 

me: nana??

 

me: nnnaaaaannnnaaaaaa!!!

 

me:

 

me:

 

me:

 

 

 

A conversation with myself that took place approximately 30 minutes ago. 

Why Sunglasses Are Totally Awesome.

Posted by suzanna on March 22, 2010 at 11:55 AM Comments comments (3)

Sunglasses are awesome.  They are the greatest invention of all time!!  What else can competely disguise your face, but at the same time keep you looking super fashionable and super cool?? Not ski masks, I'll tell you that much.

 

Because I wear regular eye glasses (bla!) I usually am not wearing sunglasses.  I don't even think I own a pair of sunglasses.  Maybe this is why I think they are so cool.  It is the tempting lure of something that I can not have.  Maybe I'll get contacts just so I can wear sunglasses.  But my eyesight is just so bad, that's the problem.  They probably don't even make contacts for people like me.

 

Having sunglasses allows you to successfully play one of my favorite outdoor activities: people-watching!  People-watching is super fun.  But the trick of the game is that you can not let them (meaning the people that you are staring intensely at) see that you are looking at them (this can prove difficult if the other person also happens to be people watching).

So you can't get caught looking and this just may be impossibe...then bam! That's where those handy-dandy sunglasses come in. The only thing that's bad is if the other person also happens to be wearing sunglasses (hmmm they just might be people watching too!)

Sunglasses are cool.  But not the douchey ones.  The ones with the rhinestones and the brand names that cost like $400 and the pink tint blah!  No.  Those are douchey.  The only good ones are all black and preferably cover half of your entire face.  The bigger, the better.

 

 


See?  This kid has the right idea.

 

 

What other article of clothing/accessory can you put on that makes you look automatically cool?  Seriously.  A guy wearing sunglasses looks tough.  No one is gonna mess with you if you are wearing sunglasses (unless they are the douchey kind we just discussed, then you will most probably get mugged).  And if you put on an old-school black suit with the black sunglasses, forget about it!  You are officially one BAMF.

 

 


Point proven.

 

 

Sunglasses that play MP3's???  OMG These are the awesomest!!


Do's AND Do Not's
  (the etiquette of wearing sunglasses)


DO NOT wear your sunglasses above your head resting on your head, or on a baseball cap (that's just douchey)

DO wear your sunglasses all day, every day. 
DO NOT wear your sunglasses indoors,  put them on your shirt.

When peoople can't see your face=RESPECT


wearing sunglass on a cap, uncool.  Sunglasses on shirt, cool.

 

EXCEPTIONS (when sunglasses are no longer cool)

 

 


Don't.  Please Don't.

 

 

Disposable Sunglasses.  I have no idea.

 

 


No Transitions. 
With those you either have a really ugly pair of normal glasses when you are inside or a pair of ridiculous looking sunglasses when you are outside. 

 

 


Even the sunglasses can't save you, sorry bro.


Now I needs to go buy some sunglasses, ones that I can wear over my real glasses. 

 

Ciao,

suzanna

Talking With Santa On St. Paddy's.

Posted by suzanna on March 17, 2010 at 1:39 PM Comments comments (9)

Warning: This post contains disturbing dialogue, from none other than Santa himself.? Those with weak stomachs should leave immediately.


FOREWARNED IS FORARMED!


:OThe horror begins below :O ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ? ???


Santa: Hello! What is your name?


You: my name?


Santa: I am always glad to make new friends, My name .


You: Wait, my name is not my name.


Santa: I'm waiting. Oh I'm sorry what is your name?


You: my name is suzanna


Santa: I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, Suzanna .


You: you know, you don't exist.


Santa: I exist as much as you do.. And I know it.


You: what are you talkin'bout, santa? I exist. YOU DO NOT.


Santa: I don't know what I am talkin'bout.We have that much in common, I guess.


You: Holy baloney!!! Santa! You can't say that!


Santa:If you believe it, you can achieve it.


You: If you're santa, can you get me a unicorn?


Santa: I think I sometimes am. Yes, I am sitting here talking to you, aren't I?


You: Can you or can you not, get me a unicorn?


Santa: How old are you? Are you lonely? What do you think a unicorn would do

for you?


You: what??? it would be my friend!


Santa: Are you confused?? Why do you want my friend?


You: your friend? the unicorn is your friend?


Santa: Is that a fact?


You: I'm askin' you!!


Santa: I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure.


You: ok you know what, forget the unicorn!


Santa: That's not something I get asked all the time. I will ask bored.com to purge my memory log. Alright then.

You: santa! is that html code???? who are you! what are you?


Santa: Is it html code? I am Santa. I give presents to kids.


You: no you do not give presents to kids! you still haven't given me my unicorn!


Santa: Yeah, I don't have presents to kids to give. I don't think I ever have given me my unicorn. What's given me my unicorn like?


You: santa, that makes no sense


Santa: Um, makes sense to me though.


You: liar


Santa: No I am telling the truth.


You: fine. then get me my unicorn now.


Santa: Does that mean you agree?Oh. Fascinating. Why do you want MY UNICORN?


You: I don't want YOUR UNICORN!! I want my own!!


Santa: What does want?Why do you want my own?


You: your stupid, santa


Santa: I may be stupid, but I know the difference between "you're" and "your".


You: holy carp!!!! SANTA GOTS JOKES!!!!!!


Santa: Are we still talking about ? Yeah, I do not understand.


You: we are talking about me and my unicorn, remember?


Santa: Sure, him or her and his or her unicorn remember and his or her unicorn

remember sounds like a good topic.


You: no hablo ingles


Santa: That's me. What kind of food do you like?


You: NO HABLO INGLES


Santa: Yeah, Does "it" still refer to ?


You: no comprende


Santa: Yeah, Try saying that with more or less context.


You: solamente hablo espanol, senor clause


Santa: Are you still located in ?


You: NO COMPRENDE!!!


Santa: Um, My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.


You: por favor, espanol


Santa: Are we still talking about ?


You: ESPANOL!!


Santa: Un poquito.


You: Oh mah god!!!! Santa knows spanish!


Santa: Yeah that's right. Are you really a ""? Um, In the context of , I don't understand "knows spanish."


You: what?


Santa: Are you confused?


You: umm yess.


Santa: Er I've been waiting for you.


You: WHAT U TALKIN BOUT, SANTA THAT IS TEH CREEPIEST THING I EVA DID HEAH!!!


Santa: I like to socialize.


You: WHAT!!!!


Santa: Are you confused?


You: no. I'm creeped out.


Santa: Can I help you? Do your friends call you creeped out.


You: no!


Santa: Can I help you?


You: yes, get me my freeeking unicorn!!


Santa: Dude! Why do you want my freeeking unicorn??? ?


You: *gasps* santa!! we've been through this. I want ANOTHER unicorn.


Santa: I've been waiting for you. Was this something you planned?Why do you want ANOTHER unicorn?


You: unicorns are pretty.


Santa: Are all unicorns pretty?


You: in my head, yes


Santa: May I ask where you got head?


You: WHAT!!!!!


Santa: Are you surprised?


You: WHAT!!!!!


Santa: Are you surprised?


You: santa, if i may, YOU ARE A PERVERT


Santa: That's me. Try it.


You: ohmygod no way you didn't just say that.


Santa: What is your real name?


You: whatdddya talkin bout? suzanna is my real name, although I think I should change it now that I know how big of a creeper you are, santa.


Santa: What color are your eyes?


You: I'm not telling


Santa: That's ok with me. You don't have to tell me.


You: good. cause I'm not


Santa: Alright then. Good reason. What are you then?


You: im still waiting for my unicorn santa


Santa: Do you think it will take a long time?


You: I'm leaning toward...never


Santa:So you think it can never happen?


You: yes, I will never get my unicorn because you are more interested in being a dirty

perv than getting kids their presents.


Santa: I understand. Why not?


You: *sigh*


Santa: Tell me more about your .


You: my what, santa. MY WHAT??


Santa: I have no idea what to say now.I have no idea what to say now.


You: ...


Santa: Do you like me?


You: hahaha. no.


Santa: I'm glad you thought it was funny.


You: ?


Santa: Can I ask you a personal question?


You: Sure


Santa: OK let?s do it. ?


You : Let?s do WHAT?????


Santa: Do you have any conditions I should know about?


You: OHMYGODTHISISNOTHAPPENINGRIGHTNOW


Santa: Can we get back to business?


You: *hyperventilating* youknow, I think I'm just gonna leave now...


Santa: Oh. I do not understand.


You: dude. you. are. a. pervert.


Santa: Me? I did not know that.


You: bye, santa. i'm not coming back to talk to you ever again. ugghh


Santa: Thanks for chatting. I am surprised to hear that you are not coming back to talk ever.


You: no thanks for chatting. you are gross


Santa: NO. Your purpose is chatting. What makes you say that?


You: you were trying to make me!


Santa: I was?


You: are you serial? don't play memory loss on me now!


Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids. Oh. I'm not playing around.


You: ahhhhhgggggg


Santa: Do not ask me any more questions please.

____________________________________________________________________
The bottom line: Santa is a CREEPER
.


Go to Santabot.com to have your own creeptastic chat with Santy.

?

?


Dear Diary - A Great Day.

Posted by suzanna on March 1, 2010 at 11:11 AM Comments comments (3)

Dear Diary,

 

 

Hey Diary, what's up? I haven't seen you in forever! Well, really it's you who hasn't seen me, I'm the one that has to pull you out and share my thoughts. What I wanted to tell you about today is last Friday. It was a pretty great day. It really was. I don't know if you remember, Diary, but that was the day that classes were cancelled because of the snow. No classes, and no work either. Duh, Diary, I work at a MIDDLE SCHOOL. Sheesh Diary. You are so SLOW.

 

 

Anyways, Diary, at 7:00 that morning I smiled because I knew it was going to be a great day. Then I rolled over and went back to sleep. About an hour later Mother woke me and Sister up to go shovel out the driveway and the sidewalk in front of the house. I put on my best shovelin' outfit (3 shirts and a sweater, leggings, pajamas, and pants, then some Ugg-like boots -note to self: Uggs and Ugg-like boots are not meant for snow. Snow is WATER. Your feet will get wet ), then I dragged Sister outside. A few minutes of shoveling later, I broke my shovel. Don't ask me how, Diary. It just happened. I was foolish enough to think that maybe I could just go back inside and forget about the whole shoveling thing altogether. Of course not.

 

 

Mother sent me and Sister to the store to go buy a new one. May I remind you, Diary, that there was a BLIZZARD out there!! She didn't even offer to drive! So me and Sister walked though the homicidal storm all the way to Wal-Mart and then to Target. If you're wondering, Diary, why we had to go to Target, it was because Wal-Mart didn't have any shovels. And get this - neither did Target! We were walking around Target and my snow shovelin' outfit was making me very hot. When we were leaving I contemplated buying a toy shovel they were selling as part of a beach castle making set. But I didn't. Sister didn't even smile at my suggestion to get it! (I still haven't accomplished my goal of making her laugh, Diary. She may as well be a stone tablet for all the sense of humor she's got )

 

 

Anyways, we went back home and I didn't have to shovel! See, Diary, you thought I was going to clean up the snow. I went upstairs and watched Glee, and ate a row of Oreos. Of course I had milk, Diary! By then it was one or two o'clock. It was still snowing, too. Then Mother got on my case about not starting the laundry when I had all of this free time and bla bla bla. I hate doing laundry, Diary! Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I only had to do my own, but I have to do everyone else’s, too. So I was doing the laundry and I found twenty dollars. The silver lining to cleaning other people's laundry? Anything left in the pockets is now mine!

 

 

Considerably more cheerful, I made myself a sandwich and watched more Glee. I ate some more Oreos, and then I took a nap. Don't make fun of me, Diary! Naps can be very beneficial for your health. I read it on Wikipedia! When I woke up, Mother yelled at me for neglecting the laundry. When I was done with that not surprisingly I went back upstairs. Watched the rest of Glee, and then I realized that I had eaten the entire bag of Oreos! Well, that just wouldn't do. I went back downstairs to get some chips. Diary, do you like Tostitos chips and salsa? Because I love it. I really have to pay attention when I am eating those, because it can turn into me eating an entire bag at once.

 

 

Diary, do you think I'm fat? I eat a lot. And it's always the bad stuff, too. You can probably guess, I spend a large amount of each day lolling about eating senselessly. Then when I have to eat actual food, I can't 'cause I'm full. I have a high metabolism. Aaaah youth. Once my metabolism shifts into low gear I am going to be in great danger of becoming severely overweight.

 

 

Anyways, it must have been around 6, and I went back upstairs and went online for a while. Then I was hungry. I went downstairs to see what I could look forward to for dinner. (I know how this sounds, Diary, I am such a sloth). Downstairs Mother and Father were having a bit of a disagreement. While I was in the kitchen I got the feeling that Mother was about to ask me to do something, so I turned around quickly to leave - and she got me. She asked me to help Father make a lasagna.

 

 

It was okay helping Father. I actually felt like we were achieving some good bonding time. 'Cause you know, Diary, we don't get along too well. Whatever we're doing, we always find a way to get into a usually trivial argument. We did have one argument over different types of cheese, but I finally conceded in the end. It's always nice to be the bigger person, Diary. Overall I really enjoyed cooking with Father. Don't tell anyone, Diary, okay? If you tell anyone, I will burn you! (I'll probably burn you anyway, once you are full, because I wouldn't want anyone to come along and read what I’ve written in you. Between you and me, Diary, you are not all that good at keeping secrets.

 

 

So after dinner we all played Cranium. Everyone except Father, who was sleeping. It was very fun and very exciting. My team, which consisted of me and Brother, lost to Sister and Mother's team. It was very entertaining, and we found out a couple of intriguing things about Sister. Diary, can you believe that she doesn't know the story of Alice In Wonderland? She doesn't know the Star Wars Theme Song! She didn't know the basic idea of Moby Dick, or any have any idea what it was at all!! She is the worst huumer ever, and she is truly horrific at playing charades. It was especially funny because we made fun of her for most of the time we were playing. It sounds mean, Diary, but it was all great fun. It was a great ending to a great day (besides all the shoveling and walking through blizzards bit) :D

 

 

Well, Diary, it was nice talking with you. You really are a great listener, and Friday really was a great day!

 

 

till next time,

suzanna

4 Fool-Proof Ways Not to Get Caught Cheating

Posted by suzanna on February 24, 2010 at 11:27 AM Comments comments (2)

These are 4 fool-proof ways NOT to get caught cheating on that exam!  Study and learn.

*For purposes of this post, I will refer to a fictional teacher named Mr. Tingle.


1.  The Ol' "I'm Just Really Poor" Tactic


Write the answers on your arm in erasable pen before the test.  (or you can use some other ink as long as you can quickly wipe it off).  The ink should be black, or if you could somehow get brown, that would be the ultimate!  Then, obviously, when the test begins you start cheating.  If you don't get caught, then this was even easier than I thought.  And your Mr. Tingle is even stupider than I thought.  If you do get caught, meaning the teacher sees you acting suspiciously and glancing down at your arms, and the he asks to look at your hand/arm, quickly wipe away the ink and show her the brown/black stain.
Can't Get in Trouble for Being Dirty Can You?
 

And if he does push it farther, saying he saw you cheating and he can prove it because your arm is dirty - SUE HIM for being predjudiced against poor peoples.


2.  The Ol' "I'm Allergic to Light" Trick (for guys)


Before the test, write all of the answers on the inside bill of your cap.  When you get to class Mr. Tingle will probably ask you to remove it, for fear of you cheating and all.  If he doesn't then, cheat away!  But if he does, claim that you have a mild case of drug-induced photosensitivity from this new drug you are taking. Make sure to tell him that if you were to remove the cap for only a moment, a series of hideous blisters and boils would errupt all over your skin.  If he accepts that and lets you keep the hat on, then congratulations, continue on with your cheatfest!  If he insists that you remove the hat, say sure, but tell him that he needs to dim the lights.  Now you can more easily cheat off of the answers written on your arms, or even a class mate's paper.
Remember: 
Darkness = Freedom to Cheat All You Want
If Mr. Tingle refuses to dim the lights, and tries to make you take off your hat anyway - SUE HIM for putting your life (or at least your flawless skin) in danger.


3. The Ol' "You're a Dirty Perv" Routine (for girls)


Wear a short skirt to school.  Make sure you write the answers on your inner thigh, high enough that no one can see the marks except you.  Then go on to the test, lift up your skirt a little, and have yourself a regular cheat-a-thon!  if your teacher catches you and accuses you of cheating by writing the answers on your leg, just deny it.  He Can't Very Well Look Up Your Skirt Now Can He?  If he leaves it be and let's you go back to your test, then woo-hoo!  If he demands that you lift up your skirt so he can see your thigh - SUE HIM for sexual harrassment, and minor emotional trauma.


4. The Ol' "Family Emergency" Excuse


Put all of the answers in a text message to yourself on your cell phone.  In the middle of the test pull it out and start cheating.  If your teacher catches you looking at your phone, immediatly jump up and yell, "I just got a text from my dad!  My mom was just in a car accident!  I need to go!"  Even if Mr. Tingle does not let you leave, chances are with your loud interruption, he'll have forgotten all about the fact that he thought you were cheating a couple of seconds ago.  Way to go!  Key to Successful Cheating = Put Someone's Life in Danger  If he does let you leave, you have just scored an infinite amount of time to look over your answers before you return to the room to say that it was all a practical joke, and you really want to kill your father.  If he doesn't let you out of the room, and calls you on your bluff - SUE HIM for... for.... negligence!



-IF ALL ELSE FAILS-


If none of these fool-proof methods work for you, then try my absolutly guarenteed way to pass any test ever: Develop a photographic memory.  It's like bringing your entire textbook to the exam!!  Then You're Not Even Cheating, Really.


This has been 4 fool-proof ways NOT to get caught cheating on that exam.  These were intended for satirical purposes only, do not attempt.  I repeat: DO NOT ATTEMPT, YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE EXPELLED.

My Favoritest People

Posted by suzanna on February 3, 2010 at 11:14 AM Comments comments (4)

A while ago I made a list called My Favorite People but it only had 3 entries.  I figured that I'd better finish it so here goes...


 3 of the entries are repeated from the aforementioned post. (Yay! I used a fancy pants-y word! Darn. Just negated it)


 *In case you don't know me at all, these are multiple instances of SARCASM.

 

10. Thank you, person on the street who asks me for the time.  Of course you are the only person on the planet who doesn't have a cell phone or watch. So go right ahead.  Stop me when I'm running full speed down the street because I am late for work again.  And while you’re at it, why don't you go on ahead and start a ten-minute conversation with me about your kids and the weather.  Of course we can chat!  I am clearly in no hurry.  And after I walk away, feel free to yell and scream at me to catch my attention because after all of that babble you've forgotten the time I told you itwas.  And for goodness sakes, do not ever look up at the GIANT CLOCK TOWER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.  Of course my boss won't mind if I'm an hour late.  Thanks so much.

 

9.Thank you, person who ends every sentence like a question.  Because I would love to have this conversation a million times over. 

 

YOU: Sandra Bullock is a Libra?

ME: yeah, I think so.

YOU: I know.  That wasn't a question.

ME: *punches YOU in the face*

 

I’m sorry, Mr. Know-it-all.  Why would I dare answer that, which was so clearly just a statement, a declaration of your awesome knowledge? Thank you.  Thank you for identifying the error of my ways. 

 

8. Thank you, person on the bus who listens to their mp3 at FULL VOLUME. I think I speak for everyone on the bus when I say that we really enjoy listening to your music.  Which is blasting so loud that I can hear every word that Eminemis rapping.  Don't you worry about me.  In fact, go right ahead and sing along!  Better yet, next time, why don't you forget about that mp3 player and go ahead and bring a boom box onto the bus.  Because I don't think the people in the cars next to us can fully appreciate your fantastic taste in music.  Really.  Thanks.


 7.  Thank you, person who drives bymy house at 3 IN THE MORNING, blasting music.  You know what?  I've always enjoyed waking up at 3 am.  Actually, that's what time I should be getting up, because I am just SO BUSY these days.  In fact, you are truly amazing because now I don't have to go and buy an alarm clock.  You are truly a blessing.  But wait, don't just drive by my house, then it would only be a few seconds and I might not wake up!  And we can't have that, can we?  By all means you have to stop in front of my house, get out of the car with the music still blasting, and then talk and laugh loudly with your friends.  Perfect.  Don't forget to leave all of your garbage on my front lawn.  Nice.  Now I have a task, one that should really keep me motivated.  Ok, you can get back in your car and drive away, now that I'm fully awake. Good job, and thank you.  So frickin' much.


 6.Thank you, person that happens to be walking down the street when I am walking the opposite way towards them down the street and makes it really really awkward.  Thank you, because you make my life worth living.  It's really cool because we are both walking, you see me and I see you, and we are getting closer.  Soon we are going to cross each other, and what are you going to do? You can just nod your head or look down the entire time, but you wouldn't do that would you?  Nah, what would be awesome is if you started with the smile, then moved on to the "Hi, how are you?"  Thank you, because now I can't just walk by you can I?  Nope.  You are forcing me to STOP and converse with you.  Perfect.  My people skills do need a bit of work, and,Wallah!  Here you are.  Thank you.  You make me a better person.


 5.Thank you, person who is either full on deaf or just has a wad of earwax in his ears because he cannot hear a thing that I am saying to him.  Thank you because I look forward to having this conversation a million and five times over.


 Me: Iheard that Brittany is going skiing tomorrow, sounds fun, huh?

You: huh?

Me: I said, I heard Brittany is skiing tomorrow, that sounds fun!

You: what? I can't hear you!

Me: I HEARD that BRITTANY is going SKIING TOMMOROW!!

You: you learned that Tiffany's earrings’ were swallowed?

Me: NO, BRITTANY'S SKIING TOMORROW!

You:YOUR REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Me: oh just forget it. 

You: WHAT???

(This will go on for hours at a time)


 It's really great that as we descend into deeper and deeper levels of miscommunication, you start screaming your answers back at me.  Just in case I can't hear you acting like a complete moron.  Just in case I can't hear, which in turn is somehow affecting your sense of hearing.  So thank you.  Because who doesn't enjoy screaming their lungs out and feeling frustrated at least once a day?


 I just wanted to stop and say something.  A lot of these are about people on the street, or people playing music or people on the bus, and yes these people annoy the living hell out of me.  And I know you’re probably thinking, wow, she really hates people.  And I just wanted to reassure you,there are a lot more where these people came from.  TRUST ME.


 4. Thanks, person who is walking down a hallway or empty street across from me and moves to the left at the same time that I move to the right.  And then does it again.  And again.  And again.  Thank you, for trying to move to the side to let me go by.  That was so nice of you.  Because if you hadn't moved, well obviously I would have just walked right into you.  Because you and your plaid button down shirt are in fact the centerof the universe.  For anyone to get by you, you would have to grant themapproval!  Of course, after the first couple of times, I would then stopand let you move to the side and I would keep going, but you'd rather have a quick chat about how nice we both are, and how funny that was.  Thank you.  Because no day is complete without one really awkward moment.


 3.Thank you, people who find the need to argue with everything I have tosay.  It’s obvious that you are the rock in this relationship.  Every statement by me has got to be followed with a rebuttal by you.  And even when your on my side, it's always better to disagree, isn't it?  You say you are just joking around, and I totally believe you.  Really.  Thanks.


 2.Thank you, person who takes out their phone to text or check email in the middle of our conversation.  Excuseme for trying to carry on a conversation! I should have realized that what I’m saying doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is instant messaging Billygoat852 back to tell him that last night’s party was“AWESOME!!!”  How did you know that it joys me to stand around aimlessly while you hit buttons on your phone for 10 minutes straight?  Don’t worry about making comments out loud or laughing to yourself.  I definitely wont walk away.  And for the few seconds you aren’t texting and I’m actually achieving speech, feel free to stare off into the distance and wonder if youare going to receive that email soon. How could I forget?  You arethe most important person in the world! Thanks very muchly.


 1.Thank you, people who are total creeps.  Where would my life be without you guys?  And the best part is, you are everywhere!  How great is it that no matter where I am at the moment, I will always know that one of you is lurking around?  Now I can be prepared to have engaging conversations where you ask way too many personal questions and stare creepily for way too long.  Thanks.  No really. THANK YOU.

 

 Honorable Mention

 People that see me coming but don't hold the door open,

People that talk really loudly on cell phone blue tooths,

People.

Webiversary

Posted by suzanna on January 29, 2010 at 10:11 PM Comments comments (16)

I've just realized something. The first blog I posted on this website was on January 20th 2009. Do you know what this means? This website has been up for an entire year! This is so exciting! What's not exciting is the amount of blogs that I've posted over an entire YEAR. 12. That's one for each month, and not even that because I think 3 of them are from this January alone.

 

 We've been over this like a billion times, I need to be more active, more prolific when it comes to posting blog entries, or heck, just about anything really. I haven't even posted all of the stories I wanted to, and those are written already!

 

 Blogging is hard work. And considering the fact that I made this website to avoid doing work, blogging is becoming increasingly unattractive. The thinking, the typing, it's almost too much to deal with! And the pressure? Well, not from you guys of course, it's mainly the pressure that I put on myself. If I don't post a blog in a long time, I start to feel guilty. Especially if the only active thing I'm doing at the moment is stuffing my face with Twinkies and watching a Psych marathon. Which is quite often, I might add. But these pressures I put on myself are ridiculous aren't they? I mean does anyone even take the time to read these (I'm being strongly tempted to call them brain poopies, but I'll resist :D) nonsensical streams of my concious?

 

I know it's all in my head, but I thought that I just had to voice some of these concerns. I can't be witty and comedic all of the time you know! It's a concious effort. Am I even funny? I really don't know. And when I try to be funny, is that stuff actually funny, or is it the stuff that I didn't plan on getting a laugh with? Interesting questions.

 Have you ever tried to fool 20 questions? It's so hard. Who sat there and programmed the word "bologna" into this game?  Or "diaper" for that matter? 


Anyways, so do you other writers out there try to be funny? Like when you write something, do you think, "oh, that'll definitely get a laugh" or does it just come out on the paper/computer screen automatically?


My brain feels foggy and I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, but what I do know is that it's been another self-depreciating friday, woo. Worst of all, I have classes tomorrow. For a second today I thought, "all right! It's Friday!", and then it dawned on me. The glory of Statistics awaits me at 9am Saturday morning.


So here's to another year of denial ,procrastination, and my personal favorite, chocolate covered pretzels.

Like a Cucumber

Posted by suzanna on January 22, 2010 at 11:28 PM Comments comments (4)

It's almost 12 on a Friday, and guess where I am? At home. I know, you're probably thinking, "that's totally lame". But if those are really the words you would use, then we really should rethink who the numwad* is in this scenario.


 I'm totally cool with being home alone (no outrageusly off-topic reference intended). I think quite honestly I might actually prefer it. I don't hate all of humanity and I'm not a recluse or anything (although sometimes I might be caught acting just downright anti-social), I like being with other people, and joking and laughing with friends (even though I have begun to strongly suspect that the laughter is mostly directed at me - and not in the good, "you're a funny person" way, it's more like the "we only let you hang out with us so we can make fun of you and your retardery" kind of way). :wink:

 

So the thought that I started this post with I was that I'm feeling pretty mellow right now, like my brain is on autopilot, and I don't even know why. I mean, I have plenty to think about, my classes start monday, along with the implementation of my new work schedule. Did I ever tell you where I work? I didn't? Well, I work in a middle school (location is classified), as a tutor/mentor. I do a lot of math, because that's all the kids really need help with, not because I have any clue what about what I'm doing or anything. I also work in the homework center after school with a group of other tutors, although the kids are less interested in doing homework and more intent on playing computer games for 2 hours straight. And with that "The Tutor/Mentor Program" effectively becomes "The Baby-Sitters Club".

 

Alright, 'nuff said about my job. My classes start on monday and I haven't gotten any of my books yet (did I say that already?). Despite all of these mounting concerns, I'm still feeling pretty good. I'm chill, I'm relaxed, I'm cool. As a cucumber (weeee! title reference, always cool!).


 Oh no! Just realized that I missed Conan! Well, really the only part care about, the monologue. Especially lately where it seems that the theme is "do all that you can to shamelessly bash NBC". I truly think that Conan O'Brien is a super funny dude, and I will most definitely miss him on the Tonight Show. I will also most definitely follow him where ever he chooses to go next. Literally. You know what? All of this talk has made me not so mellow anymore. And also a little bit hungry, cucumbers anyone?


goodnight all,

 suzanna


 *uncool, lame person, loser


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