Slice of Life

Sunglasses are awesome.  They are the greatest invention of all time!!  What else can competely disguise your face, but at the same time keep you looking super fashionable and super cool?? Not ski masks, I'll tell you that much.

Because I wear regular eye glasses (bla!) I usually am not wearing sunglasses.  I don't even think I own a pair of sunglasses.  Maybe this is why I think they are so cool.  It is the tempting lure of something that I can not have.  Maybe I'll get contacts just so I can wear sunglasses.  But my eyesight is just so bad, that's the problem.  They probably don't even make contacts for people like me.

Having sunglasses allows you to successfully play one of my favorite outdoor activities: people-watching!  People-watching is super fun.  But the trick of the game is that you can not let them (meaning the people that you are staring intensely at) see that you are looking at them (this can prove difficult if the other person also happens to be people watching).

So you can't get caught looking and this just may be impossibe...then bam! That's where those handy-dandy sunglasses come in. The only thing that's bad is if the other person also happens to be wearing sunglasses (hmmm they just might be people watching too!)

Sunglasses are cool.  But not the douchey ones.  The ones with the rhinestones and the brand names that cost like $400 and the pink tint blah!  No.  Those are douchey.  The only good ones are all black and preferably cover half of your entire face.  The bigger, the better.

See?  This kid has the right idea.

What other article of clothing/accessory can you put on that makes you look automatically cool?  Seriously.  A guy wearing sunglasses looks tough.  No one is gonna mess with you if you are wearing sunglasses (unless they are the douchey kind we just discussed, then you will most probably get mugged).  And if you put on an old-school black suit with the black sunglasses, forget about it!  You are officially one BAMF.

Point proven.

Sunglasses that play MP3's???  OMG These are the awesomest!!

Do's AND Do Not's  (the etiquette of wearing sunglasses)

DO NOT wear your sunglasses above your head resting on your head, or on a baseball cap (that's just douchey)

DO wear your sunglasses all day, every day. 
DO NOT wear your sunglasses indoors,  put them on your shirt.

When peoople can't see your face=RESPECT

wearing sunglass on a cap, uncool.  Sunglasses on shirt, cool.

EXCEPTIONS (when sunglasses are no longer cool)

Don't.  Please Don't.

Disposable Sunglasses.  I have no idea.

No Transitions. 
With those you either have a really ugly pair of normal glasses when you are inside or a pair of ridiculous looking sunglasses when you are outside. 

Even the sunglasses can't save you, sorry bro.

Now I needs to go buy some sunglasses, ones that I can wear over my real glasses. 

Ciao,

suzanna

These are 4 fool-proof ways NOT to get caught cheating on that exam!  Study and learn.

*For purposes of this post, I will refer to a fictional teacher named Mr. Tingle.

1.  The Ol' "I'm Just Really Poor" Tactic

Write the answers on your arm in erasable pen before the test.  (or you can use some other ink as long as you can quickly wipe it off).  The ink should be black, or if you could somehow get brown, that would be the ultimate!  Then, obviously, when the test begins you start cheating.  If you don't get caught, then this was even easier than I thought.  And your Mr. Tingle is even stupider than I thought.  If you do get caught, meaning the teacher sees you acting suspiciously and glancing down at your arms, and the he asks to look at your hand/arm, quickly wipe away the ink and show her the brown/black stain.
Can't Get in Trouble for Being Dirty Can You? 

And if he does push it farther, saying he saw you cheating and he can prove it because your arm is dirty - SUE HIM for being predjudiced against poor peoples.

2.  The Ol' "I'm Allergic to Light" Trick (for guys)

Before the test, write all of the answers on the inside bill of your cap.  When you get to class Mr. Tingle will probably ask you to remove it, for fear of you cheating and all.  If he doesn't then, cheat away!  But if he does, claim that you have a mild case of drug-induced photosensitivity from this new drug you are taking. Make sure to tell him that if you were to remove the cap for only a moment, a series of hideous blisters and boils would errupt all over your skin.  If he accepts that and lets you keep the hat on, then congratulations, continue on with your cheatfest!  If he insists that you remove the hat, say sure, but tell him that he needs to dim the lights.  Now you can more easily cheat off of the answers written on your arms, or even a class mate's paper.
Remember:  Darkness = Freedom to Cheat All You Want
If Mr. Tingle refuses to dim the lights, and tries to make you take off your hat anyway - SUE HIM for putting your life (or at least your flawless skin) in danger.

3. The Ol' "You're a Dirty Perv" Routine (for girls)

Wear a short skirt to school.  Make sure you write the answers on your inner thigh, high enough that no one can see the marks except you.  Then go on to the test, lift up your skirt a little, and have yourself a regular cheat-a-thon!  if your teacher catches you and accuses you of cheating by writing the answers on your leg, just deny it.  He Can't Very Well Look Up Your Skirt Now Can He?  If he leaves it be and let's you go back to your test, then woo-hoo!  If he demands that you lift up your skirt so he can see your thigh - SUE HIM for sexual harrassment, and minor emotional trauma.

4. The Ol' "Family Emergency" Excuse

Put all of the answers in a text message to yourself on your cell phone.  In the middle of the test pull it out and start cheating.  If your teacher catches you looking at your phone, immediatly jump up and yell, "I just got a text from my dad!  My mom was just in a car accident!  I need to go!"  Even if Mr. Tingle does not let you leave, chances are with your loud interruption, he'll have forgotten all about the fact that he thought you were cheating a couple of seconds ago.  Way to go!  Key to Successful Cheating = Put Someone's Life in Danger  If he does let you leave, you have just scored an infinite amount of time to look over your answers before you return to the room to say that it was all a practical joke, and you really want to kill your father.  If he doesn't let you out of the room, and calls you on your bluff - SUE HIM for... for.... negligence!

-IF ALL ELSE FAILS-

If none of these fool-proof methods work for you, then try my absolutly guarenteed way to pass any test ever: Develop a photographic memory.  It's like bringing your entire textbook to the exam!!  Then You're Not Even Cheating, Really.

This has been 4 fool-proof ways NOT to get caught cheating on that exam.  These were intended for satirical purposes only, do not attempt.  I repeat: DO NOT ATTEMPT, YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE EXPELLED.

A while ago I made a list called My Favorite People but it only had 3 entries.  I figured that I'd better finish it so here goes...

 3 of the entries are repeated from the aforementioned post. (Yay! I used a fancy pants-y word! Darn. Just negated it)

 *In case you don't know me at all, these are multiple instances of SARCASM.

10. Thank you, person on the street who asks me for the time.  Of course you are the only person on the planet who doesn't have a cell phone or watch. So go right ahead.  Stop me when I'm running full speed down the street because I am late for work again.  And while you’re at it, why don't you go on ahead and start a ten-minute conversation with me about your kids and the weather.  Of course we can chat!  I am clearly in no hurry.  And after I walk away, feel free to yell and scream at me to catch my attention because after all of that babble you've forgotten the time I told you itwas.  And for goodness sakes, do not ever look up at the GIANT CLOCK TOWER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.  Of course my boss won't mind if I'm an hour late.  Thanks so much.

9.Thank you, person who ends every sentence like a question.  Because I would love to have this conversation a million times over. 

YOU: Sandra Bullock is a Libra?

ME: yeah, I think so.

YOU: I know.  That wasn't a question.

ME: *punches YOU in the face*

I’m sorry, Mr. Know-it-all.  Why would I dare answer that, which was so clearly just a statement, a declaration of your awesome knowledge? Thank you.  Thank you for identifying the error of my ways. 

8. Thank you, person on the bus who listens to their mp3 at FULL VOLUME. I think I speak for everyone on the bus when I say that we really enjoy listening to your music.  Which is blasting so loud that I can hear every word that Eminemis rapping.  Don't you worry about me.  In fact, go right ahead and sing along!  Better yet, next time, why don't you forget about that mp3 player and go ahead and bring a boom box onto the bus.  Because I don't think the people in the cars next to us can fully appreciate your fantastic taste in music.  Really.  Thanks.

 7.  Thank you, person who drives bymy house at 3 IN THE MORNING, blasting music.  You know what?  I've always enjoyed waking up at 3 am.  Actually, that's what time I should be getting up, because I am just SO BUSY these days.  In fact, you are truly amazing because now I don't have to go and buy an alarm clock.  You are truly a blessing.  But wait, don't just drive by my house, then it would only be a few seconds and I might not wake up!  And we can't have that, can we?  By all means you have to stop in front of my house, get out of the car with the music still blasting, and then talk and laugh loudly with your friends.  Perfect.  Don't forget to leave all of your garbage on my front lawn.  Nice.  Now I have a task, one that should really keep me motivated.  Ok, you can get back in your car and drive away, now that I'm fully awake. Good job, and thank you.  So frickin' much.

 6.Thank you, person that happens to be walking down the street when I am walking the opposite way towards them down the street and makes it really really awkward.  Thank you, because you make my life worth living.  It's really cool because we are both walking, you see me and I see you, and we are getting closer.  Soon we are going to cross each other, and what are you going to do? You can just nod your head or look down the entire time, but you wouldn't do that would you?  Nah, what would be awesome is if you started with the smile, then moved on to the "Hi, how are you?"  Thank you, because now I can't just walk by you can I?  Nope.  You are forcing me to STOP and converse with you.  Perfect.  My people skills do need a bit of work, and,Wallah!  Here you are.  Thank you.  You make me a better person.

 5.Thank you, person who is either full on deaf or just has a wad of earwax in his ears because he cannot hear a thing that I am saying to him.  Thank you because I look forward to having this conversation a million and five times over.

 Me: Iheard that Brittany is going skiing tomorrow, sounds fun, huh?

You: huh?

Me: I said, I heard Brittany is skiing tomorrow, that sounds fun!

You: what? I can't hear you!

Me: I HEARD that BRITTANY is going SKIING TOMMOROW!!

You: you learned that Tiffany's earrings’ were swallowed?

Me: NO, BRITTANY'S SKIING TOMORROW!

You:YOUR REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Me: oh just forget it. 

You: WHAT???

(This will go on for hours at a time)

 It's really great that as we descend into deeper and deeper levels of miscommunication, you start screaming your answers back at me.  Just in case I can't hear you acting like a complete moron.  Just in case I can't hear, which in turn is somehow affecting your sense of hearing.  So thank you.  Because who doesn't enjoy screaming their lungs out and feeling frustrated at least once a day?

 I just wanted to stop and say something.  A lot of these are about people on the street, or people playing music or people on the bus, and yes these people annoy the living hell out of me.  And I know you’re probably thinking, wow, she really hates people.  And I just wanted to reassure you,there are a lot more where these people came from.  TRUST ME.

 4. Thanks, person who is walking down a hallway or empty street across from me and moves to the left at the same time that I move to the right.  And then does it again.  And again.  And again.  Thank you, for trying to move to the side to let me go by.  That was so nice of you.  Because if you hadn't moved, well obviously I would have just walked right into you.  Because you and your plaid button down shirt are in fact the centerof the universe.  For anyone to get by you, you would have to grant themapproval!  Of course, after the first couple of times, I would then stopand let you move to the side and I would keep going, but you'd rather have a quick chat about how nice we both are, and how funny that was.  Thank you.  Because no day is complete without one really awkward moment.

 3.Thank you, people who find the need to argue with everything I have tosay.  It’s obvious that you are the rock in this relationship.  Every statement by me has got to be followed with a rebuttal by you.  And even when your on my side, it's always better to disagree, isn't it?  You say you are just joking around, and I totally believe you.  Really.  Thanks.

 2.Thank you, person who takes out their phone to text or check email in the middle of our conversation.  Excuseme for trying to carry on a conversation! I should have realized that what I’m saying doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is instant messaging Billygoat852 back to tell him that last night’s party was“AWESOME!!!”  How did you know that it joys me to stand around aimlessly while you hit buttons on your phone for 10 minutes straight?  Don’t worry about making comments out loud or laughing to yourself.  I definitely wont walk away.  And for the few seconds you aren’t texting and I’m actually achieving speech, feel free to stare off into the distance and wonder if youare going to receive that email soon. How could I forget?  You arethe most important person in the world! Thanks very muchly.

 1.Thank you, people who are total creeps.  Where would my life be without you guys?  And the best part is, you are everywhere!  How great is it that no matter where I am at the moment, I will always know that one of you is lurking around?  Now I can be prepared to have engaging conversations where you ask way too many personal questions and stare creepily for way too long.  Thanks.  No really. THANK YOU.

 Honorable Mention

 People that see me coming but don't hold the door open,

People that talk really loudly on cell phone blue tooths,

People.

If you've ever watched "Late Night W/ Jimmy Fallon, then you will appreciate the list I am making today.  If you haven't, here's what I'm talking about.  Every Friday, Jimmy Fallon makes thank you notes to the sound of beautiful accompanying piano music.  You won't be able to hear the music, but I have constructed some thank you notes of my own. 

 *in case you read this and are confused, these are sarcastic. 

10.  Thank you, person on the street who asks me for the time.  Of course you are the only person on the planet who doesn't have a cell phone or watch.  So go right ahead.  Stop me when I'm running full speed down the street because I am late for work again.  And while your at it, why don't you go on ahead and start a ten minute conversation with me about your kids and the weather.  Of course we can chat!  I am clearly in no hurry.  And after I walk away, feel free to yell and scream at me to catch my attention because after all of that babble you've forgotten the time I told you it was.  And for goodness sakes, do not ever  look up at the GIANT CLOCK TOWER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.  Of course my boss won't mind if I'm an hour late.  Thanks so much.

 9. Thank you, person who ends ever sentence like a question.  Because I would love to have this conversation a million times over. 

 YOU: Sandra Bullock is a libra?

ME: yeah, I think so.

YOU: I know.  That wasn't a question.

ME: *punches YOU in the face*

 I'm sorry, Mr. Know-it-all.  Why would I dare annswer that, which was so clearly just a statement, a declaration of your awesome knowlege.  Thank you.  Thank you for identifying the error of my ways. 

 8.  Thank you, person on the bus who listens to their mp3 at FULL VOLUME.  I think I speak for everyone on the bus when I say that we really enjoy listening to your music.  Which is blasting so loud that I can hear every word that Eminem is rapping.  Don't you worry about me.  In fact, go right ahead and sing along!  Better yet, next time, why don't you forget about that mp3 player and go ahead and bring a boombox onto the bus.  Becasue I don't think the people in the cars next to us can fully appreciate your fantastic taste in music.  Really.  Thanks.

*I will continue this list....eventually.

OK, we all know them.  There are some sayings, expressions, common phrases, or whatever you want to call them that just get on my nerves.  Or sometimes that just don't make sense.  Which also gets on my nerves.

But seriously, here are some of the sayings that I don't ever want to hear from another human being again.

10. Well, I'm afraid I'll have to answer that question with another question.

 You know that the person who is saying this is thinking, "Man, I am soooo cool.  And witty.  Everyone loves me!"  Well  I don't love you, hypothetical stranger.  To hear that is just darn frustrating.  I don't even know why.  I guess it would be that I don't want to spend all day interrogating you, just give me a straight answer already!!

 9.  I hate (insert random noun here) with a passion!

 You already know that I hate this expression.  Even though I have been caught using it several times.  What can I say.  I can still hate something and use it can't I?  Or would that be hypocritical?  Well I don't care anyway  . 

 8.  Let's not beat around the bush

 I have to say, that I'm not a fan of this, mostly because I am the person that would be most typically beating around this proverbial bush.  So I guess I don't like it because I've heard it many a time before.

 7.  The cat's out of the bag!

 Really? Does anyone even say this anymore?  Probably not.  But I still don't like it.  Maybe it's because I take things too literally.  I used to have a cat.  I wouldn't want it ever in a bag.  Especially a plastic bag where it could suffocate!  And if you think of it literally, it doesn't make sense.  The phrase is suggesting that you want the cat to stay in the bag.  But surely no one would wish that the cat should stay in the bag.  That's just mean.

 6. That's a No Brainer

 As if anyone says this anymore, except in cheesy sit-coms.  Well, I still don't like it.  So there.

 5. I could care less

 Do you realize that this saying makes absolutely no sense!  If you say this meaning, "I do not care for whatever ridiculous thing you're doing or saying right now", then the expression should be, "I couldn't care less".  Think about it.

 4.  There's more than one way to skin this cat.

 What is it with the abuse of cats!  Whoever came up with this is a sicko. Why would you want to be skinning a cat in the first place, let alone trying to find more than one way to do it?

 3.  Every cloud has a silver lining.

 Hey.  I'm probably the most optimistic person out there.  But when I'm feeling down, I really don't need you to tell me this.  Clouds don't have silver linings, and even if they did, when you think about it, silver is just a really shiny gray.  And what do gray clouds do?  They rain all over you, that's what.

 2.  I have half a mind to (insert threatening action here)

 This expression just doesn't make sense.  Anyone who uses it has a half a mind. Why? I don't know.  I just don't like it, okay?

 1.  You've made your bed, now lie in it.

 I get what this means, I even agree with it.  You have made a horrible decision.  Now you must deal with the consequences.  Even the phrase made sense in the old days when people used to make their own beds.  If they used low quality material (like rocks, for example) then they would have to deal with their poorly constructed bed and back pains for the rest of the year.  But it's the 21st century (I think) and we no longer literally create our beds.  We make our beds if you mean putting the blankets back in their proper spot.  But that definition doesn't really work with this saying.  If I made my bed, I would be pretty happy to lay in it.  I think we should change the expression to "You've lain inyour bed, and slobbered all over the pillow, now make it!".

 Now you know what really ticks me off about certain expressions, and you can tread through your day-to-day dialogue making sure that your tongue doesn't slip and say one of these cursed expressions.  Because if it does, I'll be there.  Waiting.

My first list! I wanted to make a new page called "Lists" and then make lists of things, but I decided not to, and to instead make a blog category called Lists, and just place them there. In my lists, there will be ten entries, and they won't just be listed, because you know that I have to make just a little bit of commentary on each topic.

So here is the first one.

 Here is a list of movies that I saw in 2009 and loved.  They might have not been made in 2009, because as we all know I am a very slow person and very late in discovering anything worth discovering.  OK here they are:

 10.  Blades Of Glory

I know this movie wasn't made in 2009, but I saw it this year and really liked it.  It was very funny, and I think Jon Heder is hilarious, along with Will Ferrell. 

 9.  Angels and Demons

Of course this movie was great! I absolutely loved the book, so the movie had to be something special.  Either way, Tom Hanks is my favorite actor in the entire world, so, fat chance that I wasn't going to like this one.

 8.  The Solomon Brothers

Great movie, again, not really from 2009, but stop hounding me, will ya! I love Will Forte from Saturday Night Live, and the MacGruber sketches, they are all posted in the videos section for reference, umm but it was just funny from start to finish, and it was the kind of ridiculous comedy that I adore.  I loved the ending where they buy the sky banner.

 7.  Monsters v. Aliens

This was a very good animated movie.  I was so excited to see it, as I am with most animated, childrens movies. (lol) One highlight, Hugh Laurie's voice was Dr. Cockroach, and I adore Hugh Laurie.  Seriously, who don't I adore?

 6. Milk

This actually was a great movie. I don't really have that much to say about it, other than I loved both Sean Penn and James Franco in this one.

 5.  Hot Rod

This movie is pretty awesome. Andy Samberg may not be the best actor of the century, so really it was just a funny movie, nothing artistic or anything.

 4.  Pinapple Express

Oh boy. How many times have I seen this one.  It is just so funny, right from the first scene to the last. Did I mention that I also adore James Franco? Yeah.  He's awesome, and you don't have to be smoking Pinapple Express to enjoy this one.

 3. G.I. Joe

I was forced to see this movie with my family this year, like an outing, or whatever, and I was totally convinced that I was going to very much dislike it.  To my surprise, viewing it was simply delightful.  The special effects were great, and the story was really good (I had no idea what the story behind GI Joe was in the first place, for the first half of the movie I kept asking my brother when Joe was going to show up).

 2. Powder Blue

I saw this movie actually, the other day.  It was surprisingly good.  It stars Jessica Biel, Forrest Whitaker, Ray Liotta, and some other dude.  It was a sad movie, which is quite a contrast with most of the other movies on this list.

 1.  The Dark Knight

I saw this movie in the IMAX theatre this year.  It was awesome. Woot woot, I am such a big Heath Leger fan!!!  You kind of are rooting more for the Joker than you are for Batman.  hee hehehe!